Life Coach

The internet is really great sometimes. It's a bottomless pit of everything, and especially bottomless when it comes to music. For example, it helps you discover legions of bands you would never normally hear of. Like Fang Island. Sometimes, though, it all goes a little bit wrong. Just little things. Ok, just one little thing.

Stop saying epic.

I mean it guys! Yes, language is an evolving thing, no, it's not in any way for me to say what's right or wrong for anyone to say or not say. But we've ruined it! "Oh man that was an epic breakfast." No. It was breakfast. You didn't feast for days upon the juicy hearts of all those who have wronged you. You had muesli and toast.

Ok ok I guess I better explain myself. Why the sudden rage over the use of a single word. Isn't this supposed to be about music? Well yes, and this is where my problem lies. Fang Island's latest (self-titled) album is awesome. I mean, really really awesome. And now I have to try and tell you about it WITHOUT saying that it's epic. Because that word is now in the bin.

Ok, so you gotta bear with me here. Music is mountains. Over there on pop mountain it's always sunny, on metal mountain there's lighting and on gangsta rap mountain there's lots of drive-bys. So here we are on Fang Island mountain. And here's Larry with the weather:

OH SHIT GUYS, you might wanna stay indoors for this one. I'm pretty sure the sky is full of ENORMOUS HAWKS! They are exacting their HAWKY VENGEANCE onto anything that dare opposose them. The only thing standing up to the hawks are the ROBOT DINOSAURS, who seem to be using the enormous hawks as AWESOME SURFBOARDS and shooting lasers at all sorts of shit. I'm pretty sure the moon just FUCKING EXPLODED! You might be stuggling to hear me over the sounds of WICKED GUITAR played by THOR HIMSELF. Oh, did I mention the guitar was AFRICA? Also, there are angels riding the robot dinosaurs. And it's raining money. Back to you in the studio!

This concludes our tour of Fang Island mountain. Back to planet boring. I had to go to all that nonsensical effort because a bunch of 14 year olds ruined the one word that sums it up completely. If the internet keeps taking great words away from me I'm just gonna have to make up my own, and nobody wants that.

Fang Island. A sklubtastic band, a pharlicious album.

A More Perfect Union

I'm not American. I never will be, even if I moved there. I don't understand the place enough, how somewhere can hold such normal mellow people and such absurd caricatures, the fictional and non-fictional riding the bus together every day. I don't know if it is a place that I would like to live in, but goddamn if it isn't fascinating to watch from some nearby safe haven. Like Canada.

You only have to go so deep to realise the place isn't really completely full of zealots and dumbasses. Some of the music coming out of there is pretty fucking incredible, even if their TV is a little bit shit. Blindfold random grab, reach down into New Jersey and pull out Titus Andronicus, specifically their second and newest album The Monitor.

This isn't even music, it's straight up education. It's taught me that whatever happens, I can never wake up feeling as truly, deeply disappointed as an American can. And it's taught me that a disillusioned American is the angriest motherfucker on a mission you ever did see. There's some kind of civil war allegory in here somewhere, as if American history itself has got both its middle fingers all up in your face. How about that, a glorious 'Fuck You' from Abraham Lincoln himself.

And of course let's not forget the most important historical American of them all. Yep, even God's in on it.

The angst drips off the album, seeps through the speakers and puddles on the floor in a disgusting mess until we're all swimming in it. A rage packed cannon shot straight into the Atlantic ocean. So what the hell do I care? Well it makes for some entertaining music, that's for sure. You'll learn a lot. The comedown is a real chill out. It's good to let it out, otherwise who knows what's boiling up inside us. The whole thing burns itself down in flames quite spectacularly.

Oh and there's bagpipes at the end. Awesome. Give me more. Give me liberty or give me another fucking whiskey.

I'm American.